Here are some of the interesting things people say!
[The New Euro-English]   [Only in America]   [Military Wisdom]    [Goofy Things Said]
[Children's Proverbs]    [Sightings of the Stupid]   [From 11yr-old Exams]
[Kid Essay Exams]    [Top 20 "Miss Work" Excuses]

The New Euro-English

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (or Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".  Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.  Also, the hard "c" will
be replaced with "k".  Not only will this klear up konfusion, but
typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f".  This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.  Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th" by "z" and "w" by " v".  During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan
be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al b speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas....


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Only in America...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

5. Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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Military Wisdom

"Aim towards the Enemy."
 - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular
in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
- U.S.A. Ammo Troop

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Goofy Things Said

Barbara Walters was on the David Letterman show last week. She was discussing her upcoming interview with Monica Lewinsky. She was referring to Monica's low key lifestyle now. Ms. Walters says she just stays inside, knits, 'and hasn't opened her mouth in the last year, at least to talk.' Her comment left Letterman dumfounded and a very red Ms. Walters.

And another thing, young man... Don't you dare look at me in that tone of voice! - (I said this to my 13-year old son the other day when he was sassing off to me)

On Women at the Beach (and the watching thereof): It's alright to look, as long as you don't think. - Colin (Savage's brother the puritan)

This is like a really bad hallucination! - Suzanne, on the music in the dinning hall one evening

Is anyone else here exhausted to the point of death? - Shannon

And all I have to do is be at home. And that won't be hard - I live at home! - Rat

Instead of 'Is that a threat or a promise?' a friend once typed: 'Is that a treat or a promise?'

If I were dead, you'd be quiet! - Shannon

Tee hee hee. I had a violent childhood. Well, to be precise, most of my friends had a violent childhood. Mine was pretty peaceful... - Evil, revealing partial origin of his nick

The best thing to do is just put it in your mouth and suck on it. - Krystyna, About Flying Saucer Candies

What? I don't see anyone here who's drunk! - David Katzov at his Halloween party, wearing a blue fuzzy wig

While playing Domino's, my wife said,: you know, it'd be a lot more difficult if their weren't any dots. (she meant to say color)

Well, if this were the American Government, they'd probably kill you for overhearing a government conversation. Killing over there is easy since anyone can get a gun license, and they even have specially crafted toddler firearms: Kochler for Kids (R), Baby Beretta (TM), My First Uzi (TM)... - Lion, perhaps expressing admiration for the American Way of Life (tm), perhaps not.

Typo on a business site: Our site is not yet complete. Please bare with us.

Occasionally I think about doing something to change my situation, but where am I going to get hold of a Stealth bomber? - Daria

Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. - R.A. Dickson

'Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.' - Daria

Anyway, I don't think your attitude's so bad. You probably only need one fake boob.

And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state that would recognize the marriage as legal. - Jane

Well, I, for one, am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting into the modeling spirit... may I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfast. - Jane

I always look for security guards leading away someone in handcuffs. Shoplifters are the best judges of merchandise. - Jane

She has no family. She ate them.

You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away, that would be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the dog. - Quinn

I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night. - Brittany

The only thing worse than actually reading is watching somebody else read. - Quinn

It shot up like a meteor! - Rat describing Netscape stock... think about it.

I could charge you with sexual assault, but I won't if you sleep with me. - Marian to Lion

My high school's mascot is the golden loin

Everyone just shit down and shut up!! My food science teacher.

Also by that same teacher while we were discussing the use of fats in cooking: Farts can be very useful in cooking

We aren't part of the problem, we ARE the problem - Ian C.

Look over there, you can hear them plain as day.

My counselor. One night at camp, he was intending to tell us that we would be like, fooling around (pillow fights) etc that night. How it came out: 'Come on guys, we're gonna have some camp bed action tonight!'.

Why do they always reformat your brain every lifetime? - Devilcat quipping about reincarnation.

You'd better stop that, young lady, or I'm going to have your face-print across my hand!

'...and we are making this rectal active' from the lips of a vice president in a meeting. And yes it hurt!

A sign on a heating business in Spanaway, Washington... 'Hating Air Conditioning and Plumbing Free Estimates' Donna P.

...One of my biggest mistakes is that I sometimes say 'Sweet Hitch' instead of 'Heat Switch'. My biggest mistake was when my husband called and asked, 'what are you doing?' I said, 'I'm cooking bakies!' (baking cookies) - Mrs. Skillstad (My teacher told us these bloopers on the first day of school. She can really mess up these things so she just admitted it.)

'If I were straight, I wouldn't do it.' Cody talking to his parents and meant to say 'I'm straight and I wouldn't do it.'

Listen, you don't have to buy me some fancy, expensive rhinestones... just get me the fake ones! (Terri, who apparently didn't realize that rhinestones ARE the fake ones!!)

My friend Katelynn when describing what we were doing at my house to Josh: 'We're just fooling around'. - Tanya

Does that mean they have more numbers as well? (This was said by my friend Kathy when told that the Danish language has more letters in it than English!)

I had a student this semester write a paper which concluded with the following statement. 'I think all people should be exposed to different faucets of society.' I resisted the temptation to ask him if he meant just the indoor taps, like the bathroom and the kitchen, or if he meant the outdoor spigots as well.

A friend's husband had a student in his class on social Darwinism submit the entire final exam about the 'survival of the fetus'. - Jessie Powell

Well, it looks like it's time for me to go addle up ol' Paint. - Hipnick (I meant to say it was time to leave, as in saddling up ol' Paint, not that it was a good time to go confuse an elderly horse.)

I was totaling my hours up and turned to my co-workers and said 'Hey, what time did we leave tomorrow?' 'What?' they said, except for one who said, 'No, he means what time, did we leave tomorrow.' 'Think about what you're saying.' they said in response. 'Oh' we said.

I was talking to my friends, telling them about my evening plans, and I said, 'I have to go home and eat my family for dinner.' Two years later they still make fun of me for it.

While telling a friend about Christmas deliveries on Christmas eve, I said, 'People kept coming to our doorbell all day.' After laughing about that, I continued with my story and slipped up again saying, 'Everyone was diliviling packages.'

'SEX' (What I wrote on the blackboard in my high school calculus class, when I meant to write 'SEC X')

One time, while on the phone with my best guy friend, I was trying to say 'I'm overcome with joy.' How did it come out? 'I'm overjoyed with come!' (If you don't get it, ask a teenager.)

Female friend of mine in discussion with me came up with this pearl of wisdom: I swear if I had nothing to do I'd be so bored.

...That's when it is no longer a living orgasm! - Katy (We were talking about Cellular Respiration in AP Bio)

Oh yeah, an Octopus! That's the one with all the testicles, right? - Grandma (She's senile.. 'nuff said)

('I got it for my third birthday.') - Really how old were you?!

My friend was talking about her new Grinch socks. She said: I just wish they glued in the dark.

When my mother was very young, about 5 or so, she was standing outside with her very strict mother and her three sisters watching a house on fire near their home.  She heard the sirens of the firetrucks, and when she saw them, said, 'Look, Mommy! Here come the fire****s!'  My grandmother was stunned.
She's never forgotten it, and I thought I'd share it.

A science teacher talking to students about organisms and life, 'You see class, picture your self as an orgasm. It, scientifically would be a wonderful thing!'

My friend's girlfriend on a rainy day: 'It's so cold if that if it wasn't raining it would be snowing!' Go figure. - Kenneth

Put that in your pope and smike it (My sister's retort at the end of a heated argument!)

We've been playing tone fag all day. (After many coherent messages left on a Realtors answering machine, My Mother chooses to 'letter swap' while talking to the actual person.)

My dad, on being exasperated with politicians, usually says 'If the shoe fits...'. This time, it came out 'If the foo shits...'

My friend Lory, trying to get all of us to shut up in the car, yelled, 'Squit your creamin!!' Needless to say, we all cracked up! (Jen)

I was about to send my friend Megan a file, and I was like its REEEALLY big.' and she goes 'I don't think I have enough dick space' when she meant to say 'not enough disk space' - Rachel

On an argument with my sister who says I don't listen - 'I can listen but I can't hear.'

My daughter said this referring to 'retired' Beanie Babies after receiving a Beanie Baby as a gift from my mom: 'Thanks Grandma, is this one of the extinct ones?'

Don't chew with your mouth full! (A ditzy cheerleader friend said this with complete seriousness (just like that character on 'Daria').)

I was once 'Studying' in the library with a few of my friends when one of them said, 'Look, it is raining outside!' That seems like a perfectly normal thing to say until you heard another one of my friends, (which is not a blonde) say, 'No it is just water'!

One of these mornings you are going to wake up dead. (uhm, no.)

My college biology teacher, Dr. Frasch, was talking about the cells involved in reproduction. He meant to say, today we are going to talk about sexual life cycles, but instead he said, 'Today we are going to talk about sexual life styles' (I'm sorry if you don't think this verbal typo is as funny as I think it is. It's a shame you couldn't be there to see how red his face turned :)

My husband and I were leaving a restaurant one night after eating with my parents. They had recently had trouble with their van, and my mother called me after we arrived home and said, 'You didn't wait around to see if we needed to be jacked off or not!' (she meant to say jumped off with jumper cables)

My husband was sound asleep and he turned to me and said 'Wind the window up!' I replied 'Why?' and having heard me he said 'Because the cat will get into the car.' Having had a successful reply, I continued the conversation with my sleeping husband. I said 'What will happen if the cat gets in the car?' He replied 'It'll get us' and the losing patience with my asking questions of him, he said in a frustrated tone 'Fine... don't wind the window up! It's open on your side and it'll get you first!' He was very embarrassed when I repeated the conversation to him the following morning! It's amazing what people dream about!

At camp this summer, we were talking about finishing something up, and Christoph made some comment about how he remembered being happy that morning. When we asked him why, he said 'I was happy that morning, because I got up.' It's probably not as funny now, but it was hilarious!

I was listening to a program on the radio about life after death experiences. Only this one was by the author of a book named 'To Hell and Back' recalling those who had experience of going to hell. At the end of the program, the host was telling how the listeners could get a copy of the book and said 'For $10 we will send you 'to hell and back''

One day in gym I said to my buddy Marguerite, 'we have gym today right?' when she didn't answer I said, 'I guess not,' and then realized we were in gym. oops

I am not under the affluence of inchol! - some guy at a party

Smegma: I'd never heard of it until it came out of Tom's mouth.

A case where the mouth can't keep up with the brain: I was talking to my mother and I was bored so I said 'I think I'll put the ditheth in the dithwather.' That 'th' sound just took control!

After my nephew 'scared' my brother-in-law, my brother-in-law said 'you shocked me.' Since he's Australian, it came out as shucked. Later, my nephew asked my sister what 'f---ed' means. My sister had no idea how to answer.

The winters here in Minnesota can be pretty rough. Especially on your car in subzero weather. After spending yet another blustery cold morning getting the car to start, I was telling my co-worker how lucky she was to have a car for her garage. It wasn't until she gave me this funny look that I realized I had mixed up the words car and garage. I think my brain was still frozen when I said it. We got a good laugh out of it! - dmr

Don't speak and talk! - Kiely (ie Don't eat and talk!)

One day my friends and I were making fun of today's slang (such as coolness) by adding -ness to the end of words. We came up with some normal words in the wrong context like 'Turn on the LIGHTNESS' but the highlight of the fun was when my friend got up and said, 'Well, I gotta pee-ness!' We all cracked up because for one thing, the friend was a girl and there was no way that what she said was true!! She just ran for the bathroom to hide and, well...

I had gone to a restaurant (Friendly's) with my boyfriend for ice cream one night, and instead of asking for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae, I asked for a 'Reese's Penis Butter Cup... ', then burst out laughing hysterically!!!! - Kara

My mother, upon walking into our garage, forgetting what she was going to say, and sputtering 'YNT!!!'

During a recent check up with my Cardiologist... He asked, 'Have you noticed your heart beating too hard, too fast or skipping any beats? To which I excitedly answered... 'Oh, no Doc, it's been ticking along just like a climax!' Instantly in shock at what had escaped my mouth, I said... 'Omg! Doc, I meant to say a ticking along just like a timex!

(when answering the phone and realizing it was his supervisor asking to come in to work) 'this isn't me... it's my brother'

Upon ordering from a drive through window of a fast food place instead of saying, 'One small coke please', it came out, 'One small cork please' (the drive through window got quiet for a while and when the amount was given all we could hear was people laughing)

Can a person survive with only one liver? (a question in my biology class)

Remind me to go to the band room to pick up my nuts after school... actually they're not mine, they're my brother's.' (A female friend said this to me and a group of friends at lunchtime. She didn't understand why we were laughing so hard until we explained to her what she had said. She was actually referring to the cans of mixed nuts that she had sold for a fundraiser, of which we were unaware. That made it all the more funny!)

My mother stood in front of the freezer one evening and yelled to me across the house, 'Do I have Chicken Breasts?' To which I answered, 'No, your huge'

One night in a hotel my sister and I were attempting to get to sleep when she rolled over and said 'Did you learn how to swim yet?' What I heard was 'Titties on a white man?'

A very good friend of mine, when I first met her, telling me what types of things she liked to do. I met her at a Center for Talented Youth. 'I like music. Especially, you know, the kind you listen to.'

An ex (at the time she was my 'current', of course) and I were watching one of the Airplane movies. In one scene Ethel Merman launches into song... my ex (then current) turned to me and in total seriousness asked 'I wonder if she was alive when she was in this movie...'

A friend of mine was on a date with her boyfriend and meaning to order oil and vinegar dressing, he accidentally asked for vinegar and water dressing. Without blinking the waiter asked 'would you like any other feminine hygiene products on your salad, sir?' - Taylor

I just hate it when people ask me food and I have questions in my mouth!' Ellie B

It's been soon anytime now! said quite seriously by an impatient friend

As a high school teacher, I am used to hearing students make verbal 'typos' and I usually quickly jump in with the slightly contemptuous comment, 'Open mouth, insert foot.' Imagine the extra hilarity the time I jumped in with, 'Open foot, insert mouth.' - E. K. Shang

At an academic competition, a proctor said, after reading the question, 'a) the heterozygote progeny of the orgasm would be Aa.' Not realizing what he said until after all 1300 of us were cracking up. The next question very few schools answered correctly. He then said 'Apparently everyone was too busy thinking about their personal lives after that last question.'

While rolling cookie dough to eat with some ice cream, I remarked to my friends, 'My balls are rounder than anyone else's.'

One evening to my little brother during dinner 'Don't talk with your mouth open!'

Once, during my freshman history class in high school, a student was reading out-loud from text that was given to us. She stumbled across the phrase 'He fingered the nation...' and, being average 14 year-olds, we all started laughing about it as a sexual inuendo. The teacher thought it was funny too, only she thought it was referring to flipping someone off. So, she added 'Or do it the Russian way and use all five fingers! That way no one recognizes what your doing!' Which, naturally, sent us in to even more hysterical laughter... The teacher never caught on!

Hey, fella, I head ya! (while chatting in a chat room, this was one gal's reply to a guy's political commentary... she intended to key 'Hey fella, I hear ya!'... Needless to say, the topic of discussion changed from politics rather rapidly!

My friend was trying to cook dinner, and I was just sitting at the dinner table reading a magazine. Suddenly she said what I thought was 'I'm cooking and you're not even Elvis!'. Luckily, I had misheard her and she had actually said, 'I'm cooking and you're not even helping!'

I work for a company that prints custom T-shirts, and one day one of our salesmen said he was going to stop by a customer of his that sells lumber. He was telling me how he had a design idea in mind for them. As a take off on the 'Got Milk?' adds he had sold a shirt design to a brewery saying 'Got Beer?'. He said he thought this idea would work really well for the lumber yard. In all seriousness, he was going to propose they print the backs of their shirts with 'Got Wood?'.

I was in a hotel in New York and I was calling home. I was complaining about the elevators because my friend and I never seemed to get an elevator going the right way. I said 'I think that half of the elevators go up and half of them go down!' The funniest part is that I didn't realize what I had said until after my friend had explained it to me. - Tamazine

I was in class one day when the discussion of old teachers came up. Well of course having to get my two cents in I start talking about my old teachers. I said: 'Yeah all of my old teachers were nuns...' Well then halfway through a fellow classmate said, 'All your teachers Had GUNS?!' It wasn't that funny except that's what she thought and she made a really worried face.

I was at a friend's house and just to kill some extra time, we were reading through some of her childhood books. She was reading out of a book of children's poetry at the time. I was across the room, and this what transpired: What she said: "My brother's head should be Replaced!" (which was the name of a poem). What I heard: "My brother has a sh**ty fireplace!" Upon hearing what I thought I heard, I became concerned... my friend has no siblings, let alone a fireplace. But what most amazed me was the fact that I thought that she had read that out of the book. I asked, "Why is that in a book for kids?" Upon receiving a wierd confused look, I repeated the phrase that I thought she had said. After a good long laugh at my expense, she told me what she had REALLY said. We still point that out to people who tell us that neither of us can hear all that well. :)

I'm trying to learn how to drive a stick shift, and my parents get really frustrated when I stall the car trying to get it into first smoothly. I've done it a couple times, so one time after I'd stalled it about 10 times in a row, my mom said, "You've done it once, so you can do it before!" - Lauren

While trying to give some instruction on how to keep a small problem from becoming a major problem to a male co-worker our department had just discovered to be gay. My boss said "Nip it in the butt, man surely you know how to handle that!" Of course, we all knew she meant to say, "Nip it in the BUD"!

one time, my 6 year old sister was walking with my grandfather on a windy day and her hat blew off. while chasing after it, she shouted, "come back here you f***in' hat!!" my grandfather was stunned!

"Need something to do honey? Go make yourself useless in the kitchen"-Meg (an oh-so-loving father to his daughter while preparing Christmas dinner)

"The computers yet again are filled with catastrophe." (a friend had problems with the computers at school)

"Just because it's Miles, doesn't mean you don't have to listen!" My 7th grade science teacher....during my extra credit report on Apoptosis-PCD (programmed cell death)

I had a friend in college who told me this story. One day she explained her choice of clothing to her roomie by saying, 'This shirt just leapt out of my closet and said, 'Wear me, wear me!'' For most of the morning, she continued in this vein. Doors said, 'Open me, open me!' and so forth. When she saw a car that someone was having trouble starting, she immediately exclaimed, 'Jump me, jump me!' in a very perky voice. Needless to say this caused much hilarity. Especially once she realized what she had said.

My old phys-ed instructor was rather dim. He used to say 'if it fits the shoe, wear it' and 'line up in pairs of three.' My uncle had also had this teacher, 20 years earlier, and he'd been obliviously saying 'pairs of three' all that time. My uncle used to get his buddies together in groups of six, which annoyed the teacher to no end. He never did figure it out.

A friend and I were sitting in class and she pointed out that the guy in front of me had a piece of trash sticking out of his waistband. I said loudly, 'Chris, you have something in your pants!'

Shh! I can smell gas!

One day while talking with some friends about camping, we got on the subject of marshmallows and how each of us liked them heated up. so without thinking about what I was saying I said 'I like to get them flaming, then blow on them, then I like to just suck them off'

We were driving in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and we saw a license plate from Hawaii. My little brother asked how they got it over here, to which my mother smartly replied, 'Well they drove it over of course!'

Jason was telling us about this giant squid he saw pictures of, with eyes as big as dinner plates, and 'thirty foot testicles'. He meant to say tentacles. This was in our 7th period class, with our nice middle aged teacher leaning in to hear the conversation. We'll never let him live that down.

When my son was very young I gave him a boysenberry yogurt. As I was eating mine he asked if I was eating girlsenberry yogurt. - A mom

I was taking a breakfast order one morning (as a waitress), and one gent ordered a dish I had never heard of. I wrote down what he said, in hopes that the cook would have an idea what 'quimby-fashioned eggs' might be. The cook sent me back out to the table, and red-faced, I asked how the cook might prepare that particular dish. The gent then started howling with laughter, and so did I once he informed me that he simply wanted corned beef, hash and eggs!!

My daughter was supposed to be doing a job. Hubby got irritated and yelled at her, "don't just do something, stand there!"

After a long, panicked email about the upcoming disasters of Y2K, the sun cycles, and environmental woes, my daughter added as a P.S. 'how long does canned ravioli last?'

Note: Under verbal typos you have 'if the foo shits' instead of 'if the shoe fits' That is actually a joke! See, there's a mountain in a place far, far away and on that mountain lives the one and only foo bird. Everyone knows not to disturb the foo bird, b/c if you do, it will poop on you, and if you wipe off its poop, you will die. So one man was not afraid of this old story and he started climbing up the mountain. Sure enough, the foo bird pooped on him and when he wiped if off, he died. The moral is, if the foo shits, wear it.

My friends cat had just died, and after burying him, she came to my house where i was sitting with another friend of ours.. she sits down and says 'well. we had to bury buster today' and our friend, with all seriousness goes 'but why?'

"There are two ways of doing things; the wrong way and my way." - my Dad

I was eating a cup of crushed ice one day at work and I had to go in the back room for a minute. When i came back out one of my co-workers said to me 'I ate your ass' or at least that's what i thought he said. He really said 'I ate your ice'.

My niece who is four years old told her mother ,after having a bath one day, that her hair was , 'so damn soft.' thinking that she meant damp or something the mother asked, ' What does that mean?' the girl replied, 'Ya know, really really soft.' The mother then had to tell the girl to sit there while she left the room- so that she could laugh out loud.

My friend was really tired one night and wanted to go to sleep, but I wasn't tired. So he told me, 'you can keep talking but i won't guarantee that I'll listen' but when I heard that, I thought he said 'You can't find a good gambling spot in L.A.' This may not be too funny to anyone else but I thought it was hilarious!!

"There are 2 ways to do it: my way and the right way" - my sleep deprived sister

One day in English in High school, we were reading a play. My teacher, Mr. Yates, was reading the leading male role ( Tommy ) and my friend, Annie, was reading the main female role, who's name was Annie as well. Tommy and Annie are married, and in this scene, Tommy is telling Annie how much he loves her. Tommy (Mr. Yates): You know that I love you Annie. I have for three years. Annie: Yeah, I know, but that doesn't change anything. Tommy: But it should, I mean, how can I love you and not give you an .. A .. (you see, the next word was 'kiss' so, he when he said 'an' instead of a, he was just correcting the incorrect English. So, it sounded like Mr. Yates was saying 'If I love you, how can I not give you an A (like the grade). To make things worse , at that exact moment, our other teacher came in. There were only me, Annie, Mr. Yates, and 2 other people there , and it sounded like he was telling Annie that it didn't matter that he was her teacher, and that he loved her too much to let her fail. If that teacher had come in 3 seconds earlier or later, this wouldn't have happened or been funny.

My best friend, my boyfriend, and I were playing around and when we got tired, we all lay on my bed in a weird knot...My friend thought this looked kinda strange, so she said, 'What if somebody comes in?' But this is what my boyfriend and I heard, 'Did someone just come in me?'

My algebra teacher, "Who wants me? Make me feel good... I mean, who wants to make me feel good by telling me you at least wrote down the rules..."

My French teacher before a test- Now, you all take out a piece of sheet! (He means a piece of paper. We had a blast with this one!!!)

So one time myself and two friends were just lazing around after having dinner at Sonic. They gave some of those little starlight-mints and my friend David, a fiend for them, took all three. Myself and my other friend, Shane were in conversation when we realized David wasn't saying much. Between starlight-mints he managed to garble out, 'I'm too busy sucking and swallowing to say anything.' Needless to say, we all just lost it.

(In 1st grade) Student: What is the F word that we aren't supposed to say? (after asking annoyingly for awhile) Teacher: (whispers) F**k the F word (apparently, she forgot the 'is', she also didn't realize 1/2 the class told the kindergarteners, while the other half ran around screaming 'F**K!!' on the playground to make trouble. I wonder what ever happened to that teacher...)

My Algebra teacher, Mr. Owens, would constantly use the phrase 'B as in botulism' whenever we checked our math homework (i.e. 'Now, part B as in botulism'). One day, our class asked him just what the heck botulism is. He replied, 'Well, it's an orgasm that grows and grows...' -Logan

Is the Pope Jewish? - Whitney during social studies class

Are there any Protestants left? - Whitney (again) during social studies class

One afternoon I was driving my 7 year old son and his best friend to the video store to rent games for the Sega Genesis. We were driving down the street and I inquired of the children what game they were going to rent. Scott, the friend, replied, 'We're going to rent the Masturbator.' Totally shocked, I asked him again and he replied, 'We're going to rent the Masturbator.' Trying to keep my cool, I asked him what this game had on it and where he had seen it. He replied, 'You know, that fishing game. We've played it at your house before.' What he was referring to was the fishing game called the Bass Masters!!!!! It still makes me laugh; one of those 'You had to be there' things. Paula

I was at an overnight leadership session and I met a girl and she was telling me how she had a hard time putting her cat together when she arrived and that her cat was dirty and she didn't want to sleep on she was talking about a cot and her accent just made it sound like she was saying cat.

My parents took a trip to Canada and they were given a Toblerone candy bar (the ones in the triangular package). Well I was at my friends house and she opened her cupboard and I spied that unmistakable triangular shaped package with toblerone written on the side and I said 'ohh you guys have one of those too'. She responded with yes and I said 'well we did have one but we ate ours already' and she gave me the dumbest look in the world and said 'you ate your soap?'. (Here toblerone makes soap and candy bars, we had quite a good laugh.)

My friend and I were standing in line on a set of steps and I was on the step above her and she said something mean to me so I said 'I'll knock you down' and she responded with 'I'll knock you up'.

Time wounds all heelsÖ - unintentionally said at a funeral by my friend who would be mortified to see her name here (from Kelsey)

Every time I hear that phone, it's ringing. - Heather (from Kelsey)

My science teacher once told me to 'stand up so I can knock you down.' Me, trying to have a come back accidentally said to my already standing teacher, 'sit down so I can knock you up' The class started laughing and it took me a minute to get it.


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Kid Essay Exams

The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Ledere, St. Paul's School


The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In on of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the 6cPilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


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Top 20 "Miss Work" Excuses

From an edition of the Washington Postóa contest was held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

1. If it is all the same to you, I wonít be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I canít get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4. My stigmataís acting up.

5. I canít come in to work today because Iíll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I wonít be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, Iíll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnít come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I wonít bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. Weíre going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

16. I canít come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

17. I prefer to remain an enigma.

18. I never did like you and I donít wanna see you today.

19. The IRS is auditing your books today and I donít want them to take my fingerprints because (oh never mind)............

20. I Died Yesterday and am looking in the paper for my name


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Children's Proverbs

A first-grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each student in her class the first half of a proverb and had them complete it.

As you shall make your bed, so shall you . . . "mess it up."

Better be safe than . . . "punch a fifth-grader."

Strike while the . . . "bug is close."

It's always darkest before . . . "Daylight Savings Time."

Never underestimate the power of . . . "termites."

You can lead a horse to water but . . . "how?"

Don't bite the hand that . . . "looks dirty."

No news is . . . "impossible."

A miss is as good as a . . . "Mr."

You can't teach an old dog new . . . "math."

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll . . . "stink in the morning."

Love all, trust . . . "me."

The pen is mightier than the . . . "pigs."

An idle mind is . . . "the best way to relax."

Where there's smoke, there's . . . "pollution."

Happy the bride who . . . "gets all the presents."

A penny saved is . . . "not much."

Two's company, three's . . . "the Musketeers."

Don't put off 'til tomorrow what . . . "you put on to go to bed."

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and . . . "you have to blow your nose."

Children should be seen and not . . . "spanked or grounded."

If at first you don't succeed . . . "get new batteries."

You get out of something what you . . . "see pictured on the box."

When the blind leadeth the blind . . . "get out of the way!"

There is no fool like . . . "Aunt Edith."


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Sightings of the Stupid

Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker.  I said, "sure."  The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?"  I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger.  He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"  He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.  She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"

Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun.  We should have lunch like this more often."  Not another word was spoken.  We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:
I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space.  He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room.  When he told me I was with another friend.  She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space.  Is that enough?"

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Induhvidual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Induhvidual: How do you spell that?


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Quotes From 11 Year Olds' Science Exams


"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."


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